grAttitude

Yesterday was a big day for me.

I’ve been sick for what feels like most of my life – always catching colds, always getting hit harder than anyone else, always feeling worn down and tired. When I was younger, a lot of people often minimized my tolerance for pain and told me I was a “baby” for complaining about how much my body ached and I quickly learned to stop talking about it and just internalize how I felt. Most people attributed my problems to my weight and dismissed me and I’d settled into the idea that maybe everyone was right for a long time. Perhaps I was just lazy and overweight and making things seem harder than they needed to be. It took a mental toll on me and there were points in my life where I desperately wanted to end my life because I felt like it shouldn’t be so hard to just DO things. Normal things.

I never gave up on myself, though. Despite everyone always telling me not to trust in how I felt, I KNEW what I was feeling wasn’t normal and I persisted even when doctors would ignore or dismiss me. It was exhausting and frustrating at the best of times. Finally, I found a series of doctors who cared enough to sit with me and have real conversations to learn my symptoms and run the right tests and I was led to the right answers.

I have lupus.

The idea of having a second autoimmune disease is a bit overwhelming but it’s also a relief. To know I’ve spent so long in so much pain and discomfort torturing myself to DO more, BE more, WORK more while the rest of the world doesn’t have to do it with the challenges I had makes me want to cry. I chose to punish my body for not being enough instead of listening to its plea for rest and help all for the sake of trying to be what everyone else thought I should be. In truth, I was trying to be what I thought I should be, too. Its a relief to know that I was never less than – I was never the lazy person I feared or that the world made me out to be – I was just working twice as hard and in much more pain because my immune system was constantly attacking my body because of an actual genetic defect outside of my control.

But I don’t want to focus on lupus or the chronic inflammatory arthritis or the Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and all these autoimmune conditions I have that limit my body and make things harder for me to accomplish. Today, I want to focus on the things I HAVE achieved in spite of not knowing I had lupus these past 2 years because I’m proud of how far I’ve gotten on the goals I’ve had. I’m grateful that even when I’ve felt my worst, physically, I chose to move forward and not give up.

In 2022, I had a mental breakdown that caused me to take a leave of absence from work. I began an outpatient counseling program for 3 months and in that time I set goals for myself of things I wanted to achieve by the end of 2022. Spoiler Alert: I did not finish any of them by the end of 2022 haha — but I have finished most of them now. So I want to visit that list and take gratitude for the work I’ve put in.

1. Pay off credit card debt.

—— since writing this goal, I’ve paid off over $8,000 in credit card debt AND today I made the final payment on the $3600 I owed on my car. I made very intentional decisions to be more financially responsible and did all of this while still maintaining all of my other financial obligations and student loan payments (not to mention endless medical bills) and I’m incredibly proud to be here. I can’t wait for the day that all of the debt from my past is behind me and I can move forward without any of it to loom over me but for now, I am so grateful I was able to do all of this in the past year and a half.

2. Start writing my book.

—— I have outlines for 3 entire books mapped out and ideas for probably 3 other entire books that have come to me over the course of the past year. That might not sound like a lot of work but I have always struggled with plot — I could write characters forever but WHAT WILL THEY DO?! To have plot lines for 6 entire books mapped out and written down and emailed to myself with details and characters? I honestly don’t even understand where all the creative motivation came from and even if 90% of it is utter trash, I’m still so thankful I had these moments to remind me that inspiration is possible even when it seems like everything around me is falling apart.

3. Move to a new city.

—— I didn’t move to a new city, but I did move to a new apartment. I was craving change and wanted it to be this grandiose thing but the first night I stayed here in my new place I knew this was exactly what I needed — something that was solely mine. A space that lived and breathed ME all around me. I spent the last 2 years with all my things in storage and had forgotten who I was and all the things I loved and having my stuff back, having the chance to dictate my environment again with no one else’s input is so cathartic for me.

4. Exercise daily.

—— I don’t do this. Nor do I even want to anymore. This was so important to me back then but the more I’ve explored my physical health the more I realize that what I actually wanted was for my body to FEEL good. I started listening to what it actually needed and found what it really needed was a lot of fucking rest. I’ve always been known to be a “sleeper” but I have never spent so much time being kind to myself and sleeping without guilt or shame as I have this past year. I had so many flare ups of pain and swelling and sickness and so I’d rest — whether that was sleeping, or laying in bed reading, or meditating, or watching tarot videos, or just playing video games to socialize in a way I was able to, I did it without judging myself for it and my body felt better. If there were days I felt like I COULD exercise, I did. Those days were great – I’d walk two miles on an incline at the gym and feel like a warrior. But they are few and far between for me and I am okay with that now.

5. Lose 50 pounds.

—— I’d be lying if I said this goal wasn’t rooted in vanity because it was, initially. I desperately wanted to be smaller because I was the heaviest I’d ever been and I hated myself for it. I set this goal, and the exercise goal for all the wrong reasons. It’s probably why I struggled with both so much my entire life, let alone in the beginning of trying to achieve them. I finally gave in and allowed my doctor to convince me to try medication to aid this process and it changed my life. I have insulin resistance and the medication altered the foods I prefer – I literally don’t like soda anymore and I used to be a Pepsi junkie. I used to crave sugar and carbs and now I don’t. More importantly, this medicine helps me conquer my binge eating disorder. The medicine takes away your baseline hunger impulse and it opened my eyes to how often I was eating not out of hunger but out of emotional impulse and I was able to really address that with my therapist in a raw and honest way now that I had a tool to help expose how bad it was. The medication balanced my blood sugars response to insulin. Eating less helped me realize what foods trigger autoimmune responses in my body and make my flare ups worse. The benefits I’ve gained have far exceeded the benefit of simply “losing weight”, but yes – I’ve also lost 60 pounds so far. I honestly don’t care about the weight loss anymore. I’ve gained so much insight and perspective into my journey with food that I value so much more than having lost weight.

6. Go on a date with 👻

—— this didn’t happen, but meeting him was the catalyst to me finally recognizing my worth and value again. Our friendship healed pieces of my soul that I never thought anyone would find or care about. In truth, it healed pieces I’d long forgotten about since I was a teenager. This didn’t go as I’d hoped, but I have nothing but love and appreciation and immense gratitude for the gift that he is and always will be to me.

7. Find a job I love.

—— when I took my leave of absence I felt like I was failing at my job. I thought I wasn’t capable of working in the corporate world because I was too sensitive, too sick, too unreliable — all these things I had internalized from trauma from previous jobs and experiences. I spent all my time killing myself to get promoted only to then do more work to figure out how I could move up again, never enjoying the jobs I had or even just learning how to balance my life. I didn’t think it was possible to love the job I had currently because I felt like such a failure. I am so incredibly thankful that I took the time to explore my own insecurities within myself to realize how wrong I was because it was through that work and being open and honest and vulnerable with my boss that I came to fall in love with my job. I am incredibly lucky to have the boss that I have – she is insightful and understands PEOPLE, but she is also honest and unafraid of sharing truth with her employees for their development. She cares about their growth and wants the best for them and has helped me to see where my growth areas are and where my strengths are. She’s encouraged me in passion projects that have ignited my love for my job and gotten me excited to do work that I know will be helpful, while also showing me where I can step back and set boundaries and say no to things that are beyond my scope so I don’t over burden myself trying to be everything for everyone. I cherish the honesty and transparency we have in our relationship and I’ve tried to model that with my coworkers and I have never had a better relationship with my team members than I do with my current team. I could go on and on about how grateful I am for my job and all it’s given me, but it truly has been one of the most incredible lessons and gifts I’ve received over the past year and I know that most of that is attributed to the leadership my boss sets forth.

So yes – I have lupus, and that is terrifying in a lot of ways and I will have it for the rest of my life, but look at all I’ve achieved in spite of that without even knowing what it was? Think of what I can do know that I know what I have and can manage it appropriately with medication and care. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling sorry for myself for all the ways my life has been unfair to me and I don’t want to live that way anymore. There’s so much I have to be thankful for and I am capable of so much in spite of all the things that seem to stand in my way.

For 2024, and for all my future days, I choose happiness, love, gratitude, and faith that no matter what I’m given, I’ll find a way to get through it in the end. It may be harder than others paths, but it’ll probably be funnier for me to tell as a story later on anyway. 😉