Trust is such a difficult thing to achieve.
I’ve talked about it before, and I know it comes from all the times I’ve been taught to question my own feelings, but I’m learning how important it is for me to have trust in myself.
I’ve conditioned myself into thinking I’m “too much” if I admit when I’m feeling uncomfortable/ embarrassed/ ashamed/ upset/ discouraged/invisible/ unworthy/ inferior/ scared and to cope with that I became this person who joked, people pleased, over-achieved, my way through situations that gave me anxiety or terrified me. Growing up, I was ashamed of being fat and getting made fun of for being fat so I starved myself, joined field hockey when I hated sports and couldn’t run without wanting to die, and developed an entire personality where I joked about how lazy I was because I hated sports and running even though medically it literally hurt my body. The psychological damage from that schema alone has had me questioning my self worth, let alone my belief in my ability to know myself. I had convinced myself that this girl who woke up at 5 am to do Student Council, Dance Team, Winterguard, Twirlers, the Musical, ACapella Select, Field Band, Parade Band, Jazz Band, Wind Ensemble, Field Hockey, have not one but 2 Jobs and didn’t get home most nights until 10pm and still managed to take all AP courses and get her Advanced Regents diploma and finished in the top 15 of her class was LAZY because she ‘didn’t like to RUN.’
When I question my feelings and my intuition, I let myself get caught up in the very things that send me spiraling into chaos. My feelings are my protector. They feed me data about the world around me relative to how safe I feel in the moment. When I don’t trust myself and rely on other people to tell me what’s truth, I run through my emotions like a tornado and cause destruction to my life and the lives around me. I react before I think, indulge without concern for consequence, and I’m left a crumbling foundation I’d spent weeks building.
I am bipolar. I’m learning how to navigate that more every day.
I’m starting to notice when my symptoms are telling me I’m headed down paths that aren’t healthy for me. When I stay up later and later and sleep less. I start impulsively spending money in large quantities. I engage in social practices that don’t make me feel safe and end up going along with them anyway because I don’t want to upset people. These are all signs that I’m in states of mania, tipping the scales off balance and usually I can look around at my surroundings and find something that has changed that may explain the changes in my behavior.
I am an energy magnet. I take on anything that I engage with and I’m recognizing so much lately how important it is that the people I surround myself with are people who want the same things I want – not in a literal, close minded sense – but on an energetic intentional level. I need to make sure that the energy I take in isn’t encouraging me down paths that are destructive for me, but rather down paths that align with where I want to see myself grow.
I know myself better than anyone on this planet. I know what I want, what I desire, and what I aspire to be. I have to trust my gut. I have to trust my intuition and believe that I know what is best for me. My emotions tell me things to protect me. What boundary is being crossed? What do I need to let go of? What’s draining me? Instead of confusing myself trying to have other people explain to me why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling based on what they intended me to feel (which doesn’t even make sense as I write that) I’m just going to trust in my emotions, sit with them, and try to learn from what they’re telling me.
I cannot trust others before I trust myself and I have to trust that I know when I’m headed down the wrong path and remove myself.
I also have to trust that I know when something is right and open myself to forgiveness and healing.
Rheya Reads 