Sometimes lessons just hit me like lightning.
One minute I’m sitting in the middle of a still ocean admiring my progress and the clouds gather, the storm rages, I stand ready to fight back or give in, just like I’ve always done, and then crack! I’m hit with this bolt of realization that shakes me to my core and rewires everything I thought I understood.
I’ve spent the better part of my life searching for self love and what that looks like. That journey has been filled with shattering the darkest pieces of my soul and repairing them into these new beautiful creations I came to love and admire through my efforts. Throughout this journey I’ve struggled to grasp the concept of unconditional love — how does one give that? So much of what we’re taught is to love conditionally. It’s certainly been the forefront of my significant relationships in my life. This idea that unconditional love was not only possible, but something I should be giving to myself was so far beyond my scope of understanding.
I’ve been sitting here hoping that I’d find a partner who might offer that to me but I can’t even offer that type of love to myself — how could I expect that level of love from a partner? How can I even offer that kind of love without ever experiencing it myself?
The truth is, we can only love others as deeply as we love ourselves. I believe that we can appreciate and value peoples efforts, but the depth of the love we can give someone is directly related to how deeply we’ve explored our own self and offered that same love internally. I don’t mean that when someone tells you they love you they don’t mean it, simply that they only mean it as deeply as they have explored love as a concept within themselves.
I’m getting off track — my point, and the lesson that just hit me is that I have struggled my entire life with this notion of having someone ‘choose me’. I am always the ‘best friend’ never the girlfriend. I am always the special person you connect with on a deep level that you love but never the girl you admit you’re in love with. I am always the person you call in your worst moments but I’m never the person you want to publicly celebrate your best moments with. I have agonized over this question of “why am I not good enough?” for YEARS repeating what feels like the same pattern in relationships with everyone – friends, coworkers, family, lovers – on this giant loop.
The answer is so simple it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
It’s because I never choose myself.
In my quest to give unconditional love to others I have ALWAYS sacrificed the love for MYSELF to try and achieve it. I disregard my feelings, my sense of self worth, self preservation, achievement, you name it – all at the expense of how it will make others feel. I will quiet myself when others are intimidated by my voice. I will minimize my accomplishments when others feel threatened by my success. I will struggle financially when others ask for my help because I’d rather it be me than them. I will stay in relationships, or in pursuit of relationships, that I want to leave because they are hurting me, because I love people so much that I don’t want to abandon them.
And I do so in the name of unconditional love.
But the truth is, I can love people from a distance. And I cannot love anyone deeper than I love myself and I have to love myself the MOST. I have to know my value and my worth enough to walk away or say no to things that do not uplift me or bring me growth anymore.
Sometimes that means walking away from the very thing that brought me back to life.
Sometimes it’s walking away from what I love more than anything in the world.
Because as much as I love you,
I have to love myself more.
I am worth everything, even when you can’t see it.
Rheya Reads 