Who am I?

I honestly don’t even know who I am anymore.

In my entire life I don’t think depression has ever hit me so hard as it has lately. Every single time I take a shower I end up sobbing uncontrollably, with little to no trigger to set me off. I go to bed every night praying that I will be rested so i want to wake up. I wake up every morning dreading having to go to work. Two weeks ago I had to leave work because I was on the verge of tears with no explanation. I’ve self harmed. I can’t sleep or I sleep for what feels like eternity.

I spent most of the reception at my best friends wedding outside crying because I can’t even be at a function with my best friends without feeling miserable, without missing my aunt, without feeling utterly alone, without wanting to go and cry and go to sleep.

I went to a bonfire tonight and I had to force myself to talk, to laugh, to interact, when all I wanted to do was sit in silence or go home. I skip parties, I skip invites to do things. I struggle finding motivation to shower, to cook, to clean, to do anything anymore.

What’s happening to me? When did it get so bad? When is it going to stop?

I miss my aunt so much. It’s been months and it feels like hurts more now than it did when she died. I feel like such a failure to my brother because I’m not doing as much to help him as I should because I spend all of my time crying in my room or sleeping. My poor stepfather has been the only reason my brother has made it through his treatment so far and he does so much more than he should ever have to.

I’m so angry and I’m so sad and I’m so utterly lonely that I feel like my heart is going to explode and I’m just waiting for the moment it happens.

I don’t even know what I need or want or what can help because I don’t know who I am anymore or how I ended up here. But I really, really wish it could stop.