Do you ever feel like you’re right on the verge of finding yourself?
I’ve spent a lot of time considering what’s important to me over the last two months. Mentally and emotionally, I’ve never felt stronger in my life. I’ve put in so much work on myself over the last three years, with an intense focus in this past year, and I can see every single day how that work has changed my mind set for the better. Am I perfectly healed? Of course not. No one will ever be completely done healing, but I have ventured through so much of my darkness and learned to love myself despite the choice’s I’ve made over the years. I’ve forgiven myself for the things I didn’t know, and I’ve let the past stay in the past as I move forward with the knowledge and lessons those moments taught me to help me make more informed choices in the future. In moments where I could choose to retaliate with anger or spite, I choose love and forgiveness. When I can quite reach those things, I choose to walk away.
Physically, I’ve never felt so weak and helpless in my entire life. I’ve been in and out of the hospital and doctor’s offices learning the extent that autoimmune diseases wreak havoc on my body, and I’ve struggled to accept the idea that my body has been trying to tell me something for years while I continue to ignore its plea for help. My body reacts to stress and discomfort differently than most others – it literally attacks itself. My body will stop functioning property when it is constantly in a state of flight/fright/freeze and my physical state is a direct reflection of how healthy my environment is for me. Granted, there are certainly other factors at play, but if you look up almost all autoimmune diseases, the impact of stress on the body is undeniable and my life has always been a constant state of stress and trauma for as long as I can remember.
I feel like I’m on the verge of finally choosing myself. Like this is my moment to finally stop making the decisions that “rationally” make sense based on what the world says I should do financially or in obligation to my family and just LIVE for myself.
I have an amazing job – I have fantastic co-workers, and truly the most supportive and understanding boss I have ever worked for, with a stable income sufficient for the job I perform every day and adequate time off and flexibility for my needs. On paper, it looks as though I should be completely satisfied with my life right now and yet here, I am feeling this pull towards something more. My soul craves something that fills me with purpose and direction, not financial stability and security. In truth, I’ve often told myself I’ve had to sacrifice one for the other – but who’s to say I can’t have both?
My heart has always been to help others. At my core, I’ve longed to help ease suffering and pain for others through whatever way I can, and I believe that so much of what I’ve endured has equipped me with perspective and insight to do that in a way that others can feel comfortable and identify with. I know that my story is meant to be told in some capacity, but I also believe I am here to encourage others to tell their stories in whatever way they choose – we are all the main characters of our lives. I want to encourage creativity, expression, passion and joy in those that I meet. I can’t help but feel like not having a job where this is the focus of my day is limiting not only my purpose in life, but doing a disservice to those I could be encouraging and supporting if I only took a chance on myself.
For so long, I’ve struggled with the idea that I had to be perfectly healed before I could help others. I couldn’t be an effective agent of change because my life was chaos on a good day, and I didn’t have everything totally figured out. I’m learning more every day that no one has it all figured out and that we can all create an impact even in our moments of weakness. Honestly, those are usually the most teachable moments for all of us. I thought that because my family has been toxic and broken that it was my responsibility to stay behind and help fix and correct everything or I would be a “bad daughter/sister/cousin/friend” but the truth is, I’ve only been trying to control everyone’s lives and failing miserably while making myself sick in the process. Every time I take on the stress of my parents financial burdens or my sisters choices with her children, my body literally screams at me to stop by attacking my immune system and telling me to focus on myself and remove myself from the equation.
Still, I resist.
Today is the day that I stop resisting what my body has been trying to tell me for so long and start investing in MY dreams and goals. I want to help others. I want to experience and see the world and all that it has to offer. I’ve missed out on so much of my life doing what I was “supposed” to do – I went to college/grad school, worked 2 jobs for most of that time so I could support myself and my family throughout, and all it got me was insurmountable financial debt, heartache, and years wasted that I chose not to look outside my hometown for fear of abandoning those closest to me who relied on me for support. I want to take a chance on myself and invest in something that will pour into me for a change and fill me from within, in the places that speak to my soul. I want to see parts of the planet I’ve never been to and meet others and share experiences and grow as a person and love people and experience the joy this world has to offer. I believe the human experience is meant to be lived and I’ve spent so much of my life saying “I’ll work now and live later” but here I am, 34 years old and I have no partner, no home, and nothing of my own because I’ve spent all my life living for everyone but myself.
I don’t know where this will take me, but I know that I cannot stay where I am, even if I have all I once thought I’d need in life in terms of stability. If my body is this sick and unpredictable, I deserve to enjoy the moments I have instead of spending them working myself into stress ridden illnesses every single day making it worse. I used to think I needed so many THINGS to make me happy, but the truth is my happiest moments are in the experiences I share with others. The laughter I share with friends, the smiles of my friends’ children, reminiscing with friends I’ve had since childhood, the beauty of the world around me, the feeling I get when I sing, long conversations that make me question the world and my beliefs, the joy and awe I feel watching someone overcome something they worked hard to achieve, the comfort of knowing I’m safe and loved and cared for by those around me. Those are the things that pour into me and help me become a better version of myself. Those are the things I want to pursue more of.
We live in a world that functions on working to survive but I realize I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. I want to live my life for myself and experience everything I deserve to experience in all the ways I can and not worry about what’s going to happen in 30 years. I may not even be here 30 years from now. I want to live fiercely in this moment, for myself, and enjoy the time and people I have in my life. I want to work in a field that allows me to uplift and support others and heal pain. I want to earn enough that I’m able to take care of myself and those I love, but I am not longer concerned with the idea of success being measured by the amount of money I make or how big my house is or the neighborhood I live in or the things I own. I want to impact change for the better of all people and use my voice and experiences to make things easier for those that come after me and encourage others to do the same. My hope is that when people meet me, they believe in themselves and their worth more and go on to do amazing things with their talents and strengths and I can cheer them on and support them in all that they go on to achieve. I no longer need to be the best at anything, I just want to be here to observe and experience and encourage.
I don’t know what any of this will look like but I’m trusting that I will be open to new experiences in the coming days that bring me closer to the kind of life I want for myself. I believe doing this and honoring the things that bring peace and wholeness to who I am at my core will heal my soul and bring me the physical healing my body needs in time as well.
Even if it doesn’t, at least I spent my days living the way I wanted to and not for anyone else.
Rheya Reads 