When you donate to a cancer benefit…

Kevin’s benefit is almost here and I’m honestly dreading it. It seems like yesterday I was doing my aunts makeup getting her ready to attend her own cancer benefit with all our family and friends. To think that in the past year I’ve watched her die and watched my brother get diagnosed and battle cancer too is almost too much for me to handle. One year – two benefits.

It’s hard for me to put into words how exhausting this past year has been but I want to try and help people understand what you’re donating to when you donate to an event like this. At various moments throughout this process I’ve tried to document it through photos because sometimes I can’t believe it’s even real. I specifically took a photo of how i felt at my lowest point when Kevin got his diagnosis so I can hopefully look back when he beats this and remind myself what it feels like so I can help others who have to face this same feeling in the future.

If I didn’t have to experience this first hand I’d have no idea how much goes into caring for someone battling this kind of disease. It takes every ounce of your being and leaves you drained emotionally, physically, and financially. And you’re the lucky one because you’re not the one getting poked, prodded, tested, drugged, and basically tortured just to cure the sickness that’s already draining you.

When you donate to cancer benefits, you’re helping a family who’s battling the worst moments of their life. You’re helping to supplement hours of missed work that go unpaid to drive to hospitals, pay for gas, pay for endless parking passes and meals for the hours spent at the hospital, and help pay for copays and equipment needed at the house to help keep your loved one comfortable.

When you donate to cancer benefits your paying for cleaning supplies that help to clean up the surprise nose bleeds you come home to from the chemo therapy treatments they need…

When you donate to a cancer benefit you’re donating to help lift a financial burden off of family members who are trying to come to terms with watching a loved one continuously suffer through constant throwing up, getting painful biopsies, endless blood draws, having to administer shots, giving them IVs and endure all the horrible things we take for granted when we don’t have to deal with them.

So I want to say thank you, to anyone who’s donated or offered to help with this benefit. Every day I watch my step dad care for my brother around the clock and It breaks my heart that I’m just not able to do more for both of them. This benefit will help to get more help for Kevin and get some relief for Tim. I can’t get paid family leave to care for him because siblings aren’t covered and I’m so thankful for my job that has been so flexible but any time off I take is unpaid. Dealing with the financial burden only adds to the emotional and physical toll this disease takes on our family so your donations mean so very much to us.

Cancer has taken so much from me already, but the generosity you’ve all shown my family gives me hope for the future and keeps me going when things get too hard. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Who am I?

I honestly don’t even know who I am anymore.

In my entire life I don’t think depression has ever hit me so hard as it has lately. Every single time I take a shower I end up sobbing uncontrollably, with little to no trigger to set me off. I go to bed every night praying that I will be rested so i want to wake up. I wake up every morning dreading having to go to work. Two weeks ago I had to leave work because I was on the verge of tears with no explanation. I’ve self harmed. I can’t sleep or I sleep for what feels like eternity.

I spent most of the reception at my best friends wedding outside crying because I can’t even be at a function with my best friends without feeling miserable, without missing my aunt, without feeling utterly alone, without wanting to go and cry and go to sleep.

I went to a bonfire tonight and I had to force myself to talk, to laugh, to interact, when all I wanted to do was sit in silence or go home. I skip parties, I skip invites to do things. I struggle finding motivation to shower, to cook, to clean, to do anything anymore.

What’s happening to me? When did it get so bad? When is it going to stop?

I miss my aunt so much. It’s been months and it feels like hurts more now than it did when she died. I feel like such a failure to my brother because I’m not doing as much to help him as I should because I spend all of my time crying in my room or sleeping. My poor stepfather has been the only reason my brother has made it through his treatment so far and he does so much more than he should ever have to.

I’m so angry and I’m so sad and I’m so utterly lonely that I feel like my heart is going to explode and I’m just waiting for the moment it happens.

I don’t even know what I need or want or what can help because I don’t know who I am anymore or how I ended up here. But I really, really wish it could stop.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

My heart hurts so much lately.

 

Sometimes I feel selfish because amidst watching my brother battle cancer, I’m wallowing in my own self-pity. It’s a never-ending battle for me to remember I am lucky not to have to face the things he’s facing right now versus feeling sorry for myself for so many reasons. Nevertheless, I’ve never been very strong, and I’ve often viewed myself as selfish, so here we are.

I hate having to face all this stuff alone.

Loneliness is the best depressant I know. Now, I know that most of you are going to respond by saying “You’re not alone! I’m always here! Just call me!” and I know and appreciate that fact. But the loneliness I’m referring to is not having a partner to share my life and subsequent sorrow with. Having to come home and cry silently to myself on the couch or in my bedroom because there’s no one there to talk to or just hold me until I fall asleep from exhaustion. The loneliness that haunts and breaks my heart day after day, never ceasing.

I have this innate need to care for other people and my whole life I’ve clung to those who needed me in some capacity to fill a void. I enjoy being the rock that others can stand on for support. I have never needed to be cared for myself, so much as I do right now. I just wish I had someone who wanted to be there for me. Someone who loved and cared for and chose me. It utterly breaks my heart not having someone, now more than ever. I worry so much that because of my weight, because of my depression, because of my inner impulse towards self-destruction, and attraction to men who will never want me, that I will end up alone, forever.

I’ll pause here briefly to say – I know. “No one can love you before you love yourself” or “It will happen when it’s meant to happen”. These are nice sentiments, and they may be true, but that doesn’t take the ache away. That does nothing to help me get through the next night that I cry myself to sleep or the next time I attend a friend’s wedding alone, watching everyone I know find their forever partners.

I think some of my fear stems from the fact that my aunt has been my biggest role model my entire life. I’ve never met someone I admired so much as her. I am an asshole and I find fault with everyone relatively easily and it was always hard to find with her. Most of the faults I found in her were selfishly driven — things like, she didn’t spend enough time with me or prioritize my graduations over her church functions. They were never about her character. She was such a strong, confident, genuine, LOVING, and truly special woman. Like me, she had been overweight her entire life, but I had never known anyone more beautiful than her. I used to love watching her get ready, curling her hair, doing her nails and makeup. I was captivated by her and everything she did.

She was not alone in the world and she had a husband who she loved with every part of her soul. I remember times that I would cry over boys who didn’t love me, and she’d tell me that God would give me someone, just like he gave her husband to her. She’d comfort me telling me how similar we were and that she knew what it was like to be overweight, but she knew how much her husband loved her. I think even though I’ve pretty much disliked her husband my entire life, I wanted to believe that could be true for me too because she was the person I wanted to become when I was older. I watched their marriage for years as an example of someone who looked like me finding “true love” and happiness.

To sit here now, a mere 7 months after she has died, and see that her husband has totally rid himself of her memory, their marriage, her belongings, their home – I’m left feeling so hollow. She passed away in January and I got a phone call in April that my uncle had feelings for another woman. He spent 45 minutes trying to convince me this was ordained by God and asked me to still love him, and I said maybe 4 words on the phone before he hung up. He hasn’t spoken to me since that day. A few days later, he left his wedding albums and my aunts wedding dress on my uncles’ doorstep without a word to anyone. He’s since become “Facebook official” with his new girlfriend, a woman who was not only married, but knew my aunt and called her a friend, and has plans to marry her from what I’m told.

What makes this all worse is to hear him speak about my aunt now. He has told her best friends that this all stems from the fact that he’s a man and he has sexual urges and because of the issues my aunt had (her cancer was originally some type of cervical/pelvic/ovarian cancer, though thanks to his manipulation and censorship I still don’t truly know which one) it had been a while since they had sex and so he needed to move on to fulfill that need. He would later go on to tell her friends that he only slept with my aunt of “duty as her husband”, not attraction.

To hear these things come from the man I watched my aunt devote her entire life and heart to is so painful I don’t know that I can even describe it with words. The love I have for this perfect woman knows no end and I am breaking apart to think of how she would feel if she heard him say these things. It’s sickening and beyond appalling. This is a man who claimed to be devoted to her, called her precious, and had the world convinced he found her to be beautiful and loved her. Here he is now, speaking the truth of his ugly, manipulative ways and showing the deceit that these words were.

Aside from the anger and pure heartbreak this gives me, it leaves me with fear and sadness for myself. If my aunt, someone so perfect, kind and beautiful, inside and out, could be fooled and discarded this way, what does that leave for me? People have told me to look up to her as an example, including herself, because of the love she shared with her husband, so what am I supposed to do now? Is this what overweight women deserve? Someone settling for us because of where we can take them in the world. To be discarded when we’re through providing service to a man who never really loved us but used us for what we gave?

When I think of everything that’s happened since her death, I am just left so defeated. I have never liked my uncle, and he wouldn’t be shocked to hear that. I’ve always found him to be arrogant and self-serving, and his views about people and the world have always gone against what I know to be true in my heart. But I loved my aunt, greatly, and I saw him as a father figure because she has and always will be the mother I didn’t deserve. It’s hard to explain how it’s possible to hate someone and love them at the same time, but I did, and his behavior hurts me as the daughter he referred to me as when he spoke about me in public. I’m not sure I ever believed that he thought of me that way – I think so much of what he said was a lie – but even as a niece, to watch your uncle discard your family so quickly is painful. Maybe it’s selfish or dramatic to extrapolate this situation into my own self-pity or sorrow, but I can’t pretend that it doesn’t have an impact on me and my view of the world. It’s a crushing blow and I’m running on empty lately,.

So, I’m sitting here tonight. Sad and angry and alone. I’m making plans to visit friends in October for their wedding and though I’m so excited for them, I teeter on the edge of trying to run away from going because I don’t want to have to go alone, again, to another wedding, and watch everyone with their partners and pretend like I’m happy. I’m not happy. I’m terrified that if I don’t lose weight, I will spend the rest of my life alone or left with someone who settles for me and chooses me out of duty, not love. I am scared that I will always be second choice for someone. I have feelings for someone who isn’t married, or my best friend, or horrible for me for the first time in what feels like a lifetime and they weren’t interested in me and found someone else. I sit and wonder how much of that is because of my outward appearance? It seems like I always have such great personal chemistry with people but I’m never the girl they choose. I wish I knew why  – why am I never the one people want to love? Why am I always the one people want to talk to or laugh with, but never, ever, love.

When I think about this, I’m just so overwhelmed with emotion and everything else going on. I am scared for my brother’s future and wish I could hug my aunt and ask her how to get through it all. I am tired and broken and so incredibly alone for all of it.

And I know, I have the best friends in the world, who support and love me despite all my depressing posts and words. I have parents who’ve helped me move and take care of my brother and co-workers who’ve done so much for me.

 

But despite it all, I cannot escape the loneliness.

Let Me Tell Ya Bout My Best Friends

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

Losing someone so special to me has left this void of space in my soul and I spend a lot of time wondering if she knew just how much I loved and admired her. The more that I think about things, the more I realize that I have spent my life trying to become a person she would be proud of. I looked up to her so much more than I think I was even aware of myself, and I wanted to be someone kind and inherently as good as she was herself.

Now that she’s gone, I just think of all the things I’ll never get to tell her and that has me thinking of the other relationships in my life. So often we leave feelings unsaid and assume people know how we feel about them, so I’ve been trying to be better about saying how I feel in the moment and using the time I have to make sure people know that I care and admire them.

Reflecting on that, I come back to relationships in my life and the way that they have shaped me. Ultimately, our time here on earth is meant for relationship building and we are inherently shaped by everyone we encounter. Some harden our hearts, some brighten our minds, some enliven our souls, and some can even leave us damaged. It’s a scary idea because it’s something we can’t control beyond a certain extent – we can walk away from toxic relationships, but we also open ourselves up in this vulnerable position whenever we let someone new into our lives.

In thinking on that, I wanted this blog post to be about some of my most significant friendships that have shaped me. It’s hard to find an appropriate time or place to really tell people how you feel so I thought this would be a good space to do that. I think it’s important for me to be authentic when I’m feeling depressed, but it’s just as important to be authentic when I’m not. In moments where I’m thinking rationally, I want people to understand that I’m capable of understanding the depth of love and connection I have in this world. The problem is that depression confuses all of that and sometimes makes it impossible to sink in when you’re feeling hopeless and alone.

I’m going to group these into categories and then freely discuss. Full disclosure – when feelings are involved, I’m a lengthy narrator so this could get long.

 

Your Work Friends
Sometimes I think your work friends are actually your closest friends. These are the people who see you every single day. They go through the same daily grind as you and share a common struggle. What’s great about work friends is that they’re not people you would always seek out to form a connection with, so you get benefits from them that you don’t get with those who share similar interests with you. These people can be from totally different backgrounds or age ranges and offer so many differing perspectives that spice up the everyday mundane drone of the work week. They’re the only reason you even get through work, half the time. They’re the reason leaving even the crappiest of jobs can sometimes be heartbreaking. They’re the friends who save your every-day monotony and give you reasons to laugh throughout the week.

NYC with Katiuzca

Homecoming King Ben

If you look closely you can see “Kayla Sucks” on this cup

I love work friends. Work friends sometimes become some of the best friends in my life and I always appreciate the laughter they bring to my life. I have had A LOT OF JOBS in my lifetime and even though some of them weren’t the most exciting or glamorous jobs in the world, I was always happy at work because I had them there to laugh with or complain to. These are my work-week heroes who listen to crazy stories, celebrate birthdays and milestones, cover you when you’re sick or experiencing tragedies and are there for you when they really don’t have to be at all.

I don’t think work friends get enough credit on the friend spectrum but they’re some of the greatest people in the world and they are incredibly influential on your life. I’ve had some amazing work friends that I’m really happy became regular life friends as well because I can’t imagine my life without them. Some of my best stories, best laughs, and best memories come from my relationships with people at work.

These friendships have really shaped my work ethic. They help me to be a better driven person professionally by pushing me through the tough spots but they also have helped me to have a better understanding of relationships in general by exposing me to people I wouldn’t normally pursue a connection with.

The Pure Friend
I think everyone in life has a friend who is literally so pure they are just the most precious gem in your friend treasure trove. If you don’t have one, then I hope and pray you find yours soon! I don’t mean pure in the sense that they are reserved or sheltered from the world in a white coat never swearing or uttering a bad thing – I mean pure as in just honestly the best. Fucking. Person. Period. Like, you don’t have a bad thing to say about them because they are just who they are and who they are is dope as hell and you are so thankful they stumbled into your life. You might not be super close with this person, but you never have a bad time with them and you’re always happy to see them when you do.

 

For me, this is my friend Joe. I have a lot of negative feelings towards my time at Brockport and the way my career ended there, but I would do it all over again if I had to pick between that and never meeting Joe. He is the friend that can keep up with your crazy, understands your confusing thoughts, laughs at EVERY JOKE before you even say, and just straight up genuinely makes the world a better place. He also bakes, which is the best, because you reap the benefits of his hobbies in the form of treats. The granola to my Sponge, the struggle to my bus, the ying to my yang – this is a friendship that I treasure and brings me nothing but utter happiness. Joe and I could talk about serious issues in the political climate and seamlessly (maybe not seamlessly but very confusingly, over the course of six unrelated stories) transition into a conversation about the meaning behind a dream about a fish tank and not skip a beat. I just always felt understood with him and there was never any hiding who I was or fear of judgment – just laughter and food and drinks and procrastination and all the pranks.

 

This friendship shaped my ability to believe there is good in this world despite all the messed-up shit you see every day. Things don’t have to be dramatic or complicated – they can just be good.

Side note – bonus points if this friend comes with the cutest puppy in the world who becomes your self-appointed God-Child/Nephew.

 

 

The Unexpected Friend
This is the friend you didn’t expect to become an important part of your life. I think this friend is special in a way that the others aren’t able to be, because this isn’t a friendship that really “should have happened’ in whatever way that works out for you. You meet a lot of people and it’s obvious some are just meant to be in your life, but then there are those who you meet in certain categories and you never expect to walk away one day having them be someone you care so deeply about.

My friend Sarah falls into this category. Aside from the fact that I actually thought she despised me the day we met; she was never someone I would have thought I’d still be spending time with on a regular basis with years later. In our case, she’s younger than I am, and I was her boss, but it was early on when I realized we shared the same old soul. What I appreciate most about our friendship is the fact that there’s still a mentor/mentee vibe that lingers underneath where I’m able to be someone to offer insight into situations I’ve experienced because I’m a little older. It’s nice to have someone who trusts you as that kind of person and it’s nice to be needed in that way.

This friendship helped me understand that relationships don’t have to make sense all the time. I don’t know why someone who’s 6 years younger than me wants to hang out with me and my friends – but does there really need to be a reason?

 

Your Soulmate
Soulmate is a complicated word and I think people define this differently. For me, this is the friend that was meant to be yours and completes you in a way other people can’t. This is someone who lifts you up, inspires you and makes you want to be a better person because their light brings out your best light.

My little is my soulmate and will always be my most precious jewel. It was evident in our first conversation with each other that we were meant to be together. I have never been so inspired by a person’s soul as I have by hers. She is kind, determined, unbelievably talented, and the most genuinely good person I have met. She is my little sister, but she is also the person I look up to. The person who makes me want to be better, to do better, to strive for better than I have. I look at her accomplishments and I am so proud of the woman she is.

We may not live together anymore, and we may not get our daily naps or cuddle sessions, but she is a person I know will always hold a special place in my heart above the rest. The fact that she married one of my high school friends (more to come) just brings out my hopeless romantic who believes in true love and fairytales and rainbows and everything that books and movies say can be true.

This friendship healed my heart. My little knew me during one of the worst times of my life, when I was an actual train wreck and she loved me through it all. She believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself and gave me hope. She healed the hurt I had from friends who taught me that friendship came with conditions by loving me without any.

 

 

Your Second Family
This is the family who adopts you as one of their own. These relationships are precious because they extend beyond the friend that brought you in – you share dinners, and holidays, and celebrations, and late-night talks, vacations and kitchen hangouts together. They roast you in the family group chat, or ask you to dinner on a week night. These are the people who will sit and talk with you for hours in a kitchen in your pajamas or make fun of you for snoring in your sleep. They’re your family and you’re a part of theirs and it’s a really special thing.

 

Admittedly, I’ve always been that friend who likes to talk to people’s parents. I’m not sure why, I just always gravitate towards adults (I say that as a 29 year old like I’m not an adult myself). But when Danielle and I became close, it was a package deal with her family. I remember being utterly terrified of her dad the first day he met and accused me of trying to steal his guns (hahahaha) but from that day forward I was just part of the family.

These relationships are special to me because I have a lot of baggage when it comes to family. My family has had a lot of ups and downs and I’ve endured some crappy things (and some awesome things too, don’t get me wrong) and the Freeman Forest was this home away from home safe-haven for me. To know you have people who love you, when they don’t have to, is such a special thing and it heals a lot of the damage you may have picked up over the years. Group chats, and bus trips, outdoor adventures (and disasters), dinners and just hanging out in the kitchen are things you probably do with your friends all the time. These things were ordinary, but they were my favorite things to do for so long because of the people I was doing them with.

This family means so much to me in so many ways. You don’t have to like your kids friends or your siblings friends – that’s why we all go out and get friends because we’re all different – so when your friends with someone and their family chooses to care about you and include you in their lives as well, it’s a really powerful and beautiful thing. I’m really lucky to have a group of people who took care of me like I was one of their own.

 

The Family Friends
These are the family members in your life who are more than that. They’re your best friends and bridge the gap between two parts of your world. Cousins, sisters, aunts – these are people you were born into a relationship with but choose to deepen that connection outside of just family functions.

I’m really lucky to have two cousins who have been more like friends to me my whole life. Allie and Jenny have both brought me so many moments of laughter and have been the sanity I needed to get through crazy family parties, funerals, celebrations and everything in between. I would actually be lost without both of them and I’m grateful that we get to spend more time together because we choose to be more than just family by being friends as well.

 

Your High School Friends
These are probably some of your most complicated and yet simple relationships. That sounds contradictory but hear me out. These are the friends who’ve known you so long they have seen you through practically everything. They were there for the bad fashion decisions of your past, they were there through your awkward stages, your firsts of practically everything and you’ve grown up together. That much time complicates a lot of things – relationships have highs and lows, people grow apart, move far away or change and there’s a lot of room for negativity to creep in if you’re not careful. It’s hard to maintain these friendships but you do it anyway. The simplicity of it all is that no matter the time or distance, these are the people make you feel at home.

For me, its likely surprising to no one that these friends are “the boys” as I often refer to them. Looking back on our younger days, it’s sometimes really, really….REALLY hard to see why I even called them friends in high school but I promise you the deeper impact of our friendship makes the teasing and nicknames worth it. When I think about people who’ve shaped my life, these guys have a significant place in my emotional DNA.

It’s hard to change your identity when you’ve known someone since you were a kid. Sometimes I think the friendship I have with these guys clouds my ability to see myself as anything other than the annoying girl they made fun of in high-school because that’s how I’m used to defining myself. It’s hard to grow and become something better when you have a lot of people in your life who have seen you through that growth period and treated you a certain way. They have broken my heart in more ways than I can count, but they’ve also seen me at my absolute lowest points and stuck by me despite everything. When you grow up with people, you have to accept that you’ve probably hurt each other at certain points through that growth and that’s why I love them despite some of the not-so-picturesque parts of our past. As with all groups, there are some I have stayed closer to than others, but I can’t tell you how much joy these idiots bring to my heart when we’re all together. Seeing them grow up and accomplish things, get married and thinking of them starting families literally overwhelms my heart.

For me, these are the people who influenced how I viewed love and shaped me into the hopeless romantic who wants to believe that everything can have a happy ending. Most people don’t get to have friends from elementary school and still talk by the time they get married, but I do. That idea of perfection has been toxic for me at times, but it also brings joy to my heart and reminds of the good in this world.

 

Your College Friends
These are the friends who will never judge you because they have gone through the weirdest shit with you. (They’re actually probably judging you hardcore, but in a loving way because they’ve been there too.) These are the friends who were there for the transition years – the years where you weren’t quite an adult yet so you could afford to make horrible decisions and spend the next morning huddled together on a bed laughing and wondering how you were still alive. These are special friendships because it’s likely that they’ve seen you through horrible times that deepened your connection, but they also were there to have the best fucking time with you when you needed it.

For me, these are my sorority sisters and fraternity brothers. When you’re in college, everything is this heightened, dramatic experience but when you leave you realize just how lucky you are to have lived with 9 people and have room sleepovers, spontaneous parties, nights in playing just-dance, endless movie marathons on break and every party in between where someone did something insane. When I look back, I just remember all the laughter and fun (and some of the drama) and I’m so lucky to find people I know I can count on for my whole life.

People judge this era of my life – and for good reason, I was a disaster in college – but my sisters were there for me at my brother’s funeral to support me when he died even though we had only known each other a few months at that time. My roommate held me the night he died and let me cry until I fell asleep. I drove to be with her when her mom died. I’ve celebrated, and cried, and everything in between with these girls and they’ve never missed a beat if I needed someone to lift me up. My last blog post was intense and the first 10 people to comment on it and offer encouragement, love and support were these women who haven’t seen or talked to me in months/years.

I look back on this time in my life and it brings so much laughter to my soul. From parties, to fundraising for Push for America, to standards board, to life in a disgusting house filled with the best and worst people to live with (depending on whether or not you wanted to work the next day or eat your own frozen food items) these are friends I’m so thankful to have. These are the friends who shaped me through the most difficult time of my life. They are the ones who let me re-define myself, for better or worse, and still show up to support the woman I am today.

                  

 

Your Tribe
When you think about friends, these are THE friends. The friends who are literally your ride or die. They are probably the most judgmental of all your friends, but they do it from a place of love. They’re the people that just get you – no frills, no expectations – they accept and love you for your total person, even when that person is a disgusting pig or pain in the ass.

Everyone has a tribe and I’m thankful that my friendship with my cousin led me to finding mine. These are people I never would have thought I’d find, let alone would want me and my non-stop singing, harry potter loving, annoying ass self, around. These are the friends I can hang out with in my sweatpants all day, every day, but will also tell me when it’s been long enough in the sweat pants and I should probably start trying a little harder. They will tell me I’m beautiful and genuinely mean it just as genuinely as they will tell me I’m a troll who needs to brush my hair.

These people become family in a way that family never could. They’re the family you chose because your souls matched up in some way, not because you were born into it, and that relationship is special. There are too many of them to name individually, but they are invaluable in my life and something I wouldn’t trade for all the American dollars in the world.

These friends have helped me realize not take things so seriously all the time. School and work are great, but life is about being ridiculous in a restaurant at 2am as much as it’s about getting a degree or a good job. Friends should support and lift you up, but they should also tease you and help you realize you’re being a diva too. They bring the balance to your life and that’s why they’re the ones who stay with you throughout the whole rollercoaster ride.

 

Have you fallen asleep yet? Are you still here? I told you this would be long. But I went to a Gender Reveal Party and I’m feeling sentimental and I thought it would be good to let out some positivity rather than always focusing on my self-deprecating thoughts of loneliness. If you take anything away from this, I hope that you become more honest with the people around you and let them know how much you care, now. I think people would be a lot happier if they had any idea how much they mean to others around them and brightening someone’s day always feels great. I hope this brightens some of yours!

 

can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

Not surprising given my mind is running a mile a minute with thoughts and yet a bit surprising given the fact that I went to bed at 6:30 pm yesterday and slept through the night until work this morning.

I’m exhausted but I think my body is on its own schedule right now, so I suppose I’ll use the time I have wisely and try to process through some of this mile a minute thoughts (if only thinking burned calories, amirite?)

My last post had the highest views my blog has ever had. People seem to have a lot of thoughts about it and a lot have reached out to me in various ways to offer support, encouragement, advice, etc. and I appreciate all of the effort on everyone’s part. It means a lot to me. One of the biggest pieces of advice I continue to get is to go talk to someone so I suppose I will use this space here to address that in a broader context so that I don’t have to continue saying the same thing over and over again. So, here we go!

Honestly – I don’t want to.

I know that sounds like I’m being a brat but it’s true. Counseling is an intimate thing for me and I had the same counselor for 7 years while I was at Brockport and it took probably 4 years of me seeing her for me to actually trust her enough to show up consistently to work through my shit. Even after that, I would say 90% of our time together was me complaining. I’m a firm believer in counseling, I think it’s a beautiful thing, I encourage everyone to try it, and I know that it can be incredibly helpful. I literally became a counselor because I believed in it so much.

The problem is that in order for counseling to work you have to be willing to do that work, and I’m just not right now. I’m fucking exhausted. And honestly I’m sick of always having to go to counseling. I have gone for so much of my life because bad shit happens over and over and over and honestly I’m at the point where I’m just sick.of.it.

It seems like these two mindsets are conflicting, and they probably are, because HEY! I’m a gemini, that’s what we do – but in all seriousness, I don’t want to pay money to go talk to a counselor who is going to tell me things I already know and help me put together the puzzle behind why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

Let me break it down for you –

I have an incredibly deep rooted negative self-image, the product of childhood friendships that were toxic, an unhealthy and at times emotionally abusive relationship with my father, sexual assault, toxic relationships, medical issues, family trauma, medical trauma of my own and various other life events all wrapped up in a nice genetic predisposition for lack of serotonin production.

I have always felt this way about myself/my life/my achievements/my worth. I’m just usually a lot better at covering it up so that none of you worry about me and I don’t have to explain myself.

The problem is that I am utterly drained by grief right now, to the point where I am exhausting all of my energy just to get out of bed and go to work each day since losing my aunt. Thanks to a shitty guy, I was so wrapped up in bullshit when she died that I literally didn’t even mentally process her death and now I am slowly losing my mind at the thought of life without her. Because of this, I quite literally CANNOT keep up appearances and pretend that I love myself/have positive aspirations/believe I have a good future etc. I just can’t. I have no energy left to give to devote to that and so what the world is seeing is the full force of the inner thoughts I have had time and time and again for as long as I can remember.

I am not kidding when I tell you I do not remember a time when I loved myself. I do not remember a time when I believed myself to be worthy of love. I do not remember a time when I thought myself worth anything.

What I remember are times when it didn’t consume me. Thanks to medication, I’m able to go about my life and not have this become something that runs my day to day in a full force way.

Right now, is not one of those times.

And I’m not saying I’ll never go back to counseling or that I don’t think it will work for me – I’m sure that I will at some point when I’m able to. But I’m saying right now I am fucking exhausted and sick and tired of feeling like this day in and day out and I don’t want to have to go to another doctor and pay another medical bill to hear all the ways in which my thinking is distorted. I know it is. I know it’s me. I know that ‘only I can change how I respond to situations’ or whatever but my god can’t I just get a break from it every now and again?

I feel like there’s more anger coming through than anything else when in reality I’m just tired. I’m fucking angry too, but I’m just exhausted and I can barely get up in the morning let alone “look for the positives”. It’s a lot easier to say to people than it actually is to do sometimes.

Maybe it seems dramatic to some of you. Maybe it feels like I just want attention (to those who think that I say a big fuck you) but the only reason I’m even talking about it online is because this is the only thing I have the energy to do right now. I know that if I started talking about it in person I would actually lose it and scare everyone even more and I don’t want that so this is my solution. I am not physically capable of crying and breaking down in front of people in person because the shame of that feeling may actually destroy me. It’s hard enough facing people in person who’ve read this. No one has to read this. No one has to say anything but at least I can get things out of my head and put somewhere for a time. This is my temporary fix.

While I’m being honest, I just want to say that I know – I know I need help. I know I could make small changes. I know that being depressing and negative gets me no where and attracts no one – I know. But it’s all the more frustrating when the rational side of who you are knows those things and the irrational side has taken over and you can’t stop yourself from feeling or thinking a certain way. I know that the way to catch a boyfriend isn’t by telling the world how crazy I am but at the same time, do I even want someone who doesn’t know who I really I am? cuz this is it. 
And it sucks even more when you know you’re letting everyone down while it happens, too.

I’m even questioning my faith which I know is upsetting like half the people in my life and would completely upset my aunt, but again – I can’t help it. How am I supposed to believe in an all powerful, healing God when I watched her faith remain strong and unyielding in every dark moment of suffering, just to watch her die in the end and not get the healing she’s promised? She spent her whole live devoted to God and what hope do I have if someone like her wasn’t able to beat cancer (or even got it in the first place).

On top of that – I just sit and think about how I have wasted SO . MUCH. TIME. Going to school for a career that literally threw me away when she was diagnosed. Spending years romanticizing a toxic relationship into something I believe resembled love when it was actually the complete opposite. Sacrificing my time and energy into all these things that just blew up in my face leaving me with nothing but time spent – all time I could have spent with my aunt.

Time I could have spent finding the right career that would have let me have balance or the right relationship that would have let me get married and have her officiate my wedding and see me walk down the aisle. Things that would let me get healthy enough to actually have a baby and have her with me in the delivery room to hold her the way she held me when I was born.

But I can’t go back. I can’t get any of that time back. And now she’s gone, and I am still alone. Still lost. Still depressed and still trying to make sense of what the hell it’s all supposed to mean. And I know that feeling this way and being this negative won’t further me to anything in the future – but I don’t even care right now. I can’t care. I have no energy left to care because it’s all spent. All of it.

I want to be the person everyone says they know I can be. But I honestly don’t know how.
I appreciate everyone saying that I matter, or that I’ve left an impact on them somehow. It’s nice to hear. I think we don’t do enough of that until people are gone or hurting. We don’t tell them what they mean until it’s too late and I appreciate everyone who’s done that. I love you all so much and so deeply and I’m sorry that I’m not able to put that into words right now.

But I can’t pretend to not feel this way. I can’t pretend like I’m okay because I’m not. I can’t pretend like I want to go to a counselor because I don’t.

What I want, is to know what it feels like to be happy and not have to utilize medicine and therapy to get there for a change. What I want is to stop letting people down by feeling the way I do all the time. What I want is to sleep and wake up not feeling tired. What I want is to come home and have someone to share my life with. What I want is to have someone hug me and let me cry until I fall asleep and have that be okay.

Thanks for reading – Even when I don’t respond, I’m paying attention to what you say.

harsh reality

30 years.

In two months, I’ll be 30 years old and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

No partner. No pets. No home of my own. No children. No career accomplishments. No contributions to better the world. Still upset with my weight. Still unable to love myself.

And still no fucking clue how to just be happy.

 

I remember being 16 and thinking of all the things that lay ahead of me -all the ways I’d contribute to the world. Dreaming about my wedding day, sharing my life with someone and starting a family. I remember thinking about how hard I’d work to find a career that had meaning and gave back to others somehow. Planning what it’d be like to decorate my home and create a family. Waiting for the day I could get my own dog.

I’m going to be 30 and I’ve literally done nothing.

What’s the point anymore? What am I even trying for? I have spent so many years prioritizing things and doing everything terribly fucking wrong just to end up alone for almost 7 years, no closer to a family or a career or even owning a dog. I wake up. I work. I go home. I go to sleep. Repeat.

What is the point in anything anyway? I watch people spend their whole lives searching for better, only to end up facing the worst kinds of ends. People who are inherently good with their entire being and suffer the worst. People who work so damn hard to get what they want and end up with nothing anyway.

Is this as good as it gets? Waking up every day to work to pay off student loans that were acquired for a career I lost? Paying medical bills for doctors who just keep telling me all the things that are wrong with me? Buying things to fill holes in my life left by the lack of relationships and intimacy and feeling like I matter to anyone?

This can’t be what life is supposed to be about. But year after year it never changes. I wake up waiting for the day I become someone who finds meaning or contentment in the life I have and it never comes. I wait for the day that I don’t have to rely on medication to feel normal and it never comes. I wait for someone to find me worthy enough to share their life with me and they never come. I wait for the day that I feel like I’ve made an impact somewhere and it never comes.

And I’m miserable. And I’m tired. And I’m bored. And I’m stuck. And I’m sad. And I’m confused. And I’m lost.

Time seems like it drags on forever but I realize I’ve just wasted 30 years for absolutely nothing and I can’t get them back. I just sit here watching my friends find love and happiness and have children and do good things and I remain still, stagnant and unchanging. What am I even chasing anymore and what is the point? It doesn’t matter what I want in the end. Things will still happen that I can’t control and I will still be here.

Alone.

And I will wake up tomorrow and it will be the Same. Damn. Thing.

 

I suppose there’s nothing left to do other than accept that this is what my story amounts to and stop living in the fictional world I’ve created in my head.

Third Post’s the Charm

I have to admit, writing out those first two posts was very therapeutic. I think there are things I’ve held inside for so long that just writing them down and putting them out there really lifted a weight off my chest that I didn’t realize had been crushing me all these years. I have no idea how many people chose to read it, and honestly, it doesn’t even matter. The mere act of putting my story out into the world was exactly what I needed.

So, it’s been a while since my last post because I wasn’t anticipating how good I’d feel after the first two – but also because I’ve been rather busy. I’ve been dealing with a lot of medical things and finally getting answers to a lot of things that I’ve struggled with for a long time, which I’m so grateful for.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with constant sinus infections/head colds. I get them at least once a month, on average, and for the last few years they’ve been happening more often and more intensely. Last year I got sick for over a month and there were numerous occasions where I was so congested I actually fell over when I sneezed or coughed from dizziness.

Now, as hilarious as that was for me to tell people at the time, it’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame around because it makes me an unreliable worker and person. I am utterly devastated at the thought of letting people down and I absolutely hate having to tell someone I can’t attend/do something because I am sick (again). I know it’s something people have been frustrated with me for, and understandably so, but it was always so hard for me because I truly was horribly sick and wasn’t trying to be flaky.

One thing people may not know about me is how much I center my self-worth around my work ethic. I have worked my entire life towards creating a professional identity for myself and become a contributing employee to whatever place I work for. I’m incredibly driven and will spend every minute trying to ensure that I am making things more efficient, putting out the best quality work I can possibly do, while also adding value in some way. I’ve put myself into situations where I chose to focus more on school and work than my friendships or spending time with my family. To me, my career has always been most important to me. When I get sick all the time, I know that negates that work I’ve put in, in that it makes me appear unreliable and flaky. Calling in absolutely destroys me and I am so hard on myself when I must do it to rest and get better.

The problem with all of that, is that I really DO get sick enough that I need to call in or I won’t actually get any better. Unfortunately, there are typically consequences associated with that and it’s something I’ve always been worried about as an employee no matter where I’ve worked. No one likes when their co-worker comes in super sick and coughing everywhere but if I called in every time that happened, I’d probably get fired within a month. I’ve always been thankful for bosses who understood that I was dedicated despite constantly getting sick and seemed to understand. I’ve had my fair share of bosses who didn’t believe me, however, and they’ve only perpetuated my fear of letting others down as I’ve gone on. Thankfully, I finally have an answer that may help this problem.

About three weeks ago, I got a sore throat like I usually do, and didn’t really think much of it. After three days, however, I woke up with neck pain so horrible I couldn’t move – I mean like, full swelling in my neck and pain so bad that showering almost made me pass out. I went to the doctor and they weren’t sure what was going on so they ordered a CT and X-Ray (I had had a migraine two days before with vision obstruction). They sent me home and told me to go to the hospital if things got worse. The next day, I woke up with swelling so bad in my tonsils I was choking on them. I have never experienced swelling so bad in my life. I went to the hospital and was sent home with no more answers and was feeling very discouraged.

Thankfully, I went back to the doctor and they referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor to try and get some answers since I’ve been on 4 antibiotics in the last three months due to sickness. My X-Rays showed no acute issues but did show that I have reverse lordosis in my neck that was likely irritated due to the inflammation in my glands from the sickness.

The ENT was an expensive but beneficial trip and I found out that I have a deviated septum that has been causing drainage issues and inflammation because of a spur in my left side. This is something seemingly simple but has made all the difference for me. To just know that I’m not crazy and that I have an actual diagnosis has helped me immensely. It explains so much of the things I’ve struggled with – why it happens so frequently, despite the seasons – why others weren’t getting sick when I was – why medicines weren’t working, and steroids were the only thing that would provide relief.

So now that I know that, I’m at the point where I am waiting on some blood work and go back in a month to determine if I will need surgery to correct the problem, which is likely. That is a bit scary, but for now I’m going to revel in the relief of having some answers after so many years struggling with this problem. Especially being a singer, having constant sicknesses that take away my voice has been so difficult. I hate having to stop singing because of sore throats and missing work because I’m exhausted from not being able to sleep due to coughing.

I also saw a chiropractor for the reverse lordosis and after just one treatment I am feeling so much less pain in my back and neck. I’ve felt pain so long that I honestly didn’t even remember how it felt to feel normal. I have two appointments a week for the next month to get myself into full alignment and I’m really looking forward to feeling my best after this is all done.

 

This has all really inspired me to continue to work towards finding the answers and correct treatments I need for the other things I struggle with. My PCOS and Thyroid issues are my next big things to tackle and I’m hoping that I will be able to come to a place where I feel like I have a handle on them. I really want to lose weight for health reasons and I am so scared I’ll have to get surgery soon if I can’t get a handle on all these things that make me gain weight and keep weight on. I’m looking into some anti-inflammatory diets right now and plan on working with a dietitian soon, but I know this will be the biggest battle I face when it comes to my health. I hope that I can make some small changes, if nothing else, and start to feel a little better.

After watching my aunt go through cancer and battle so many health challenges, I am really scared I am going to face the same struggles she did as I get older because I have a lot of the same medical issues she had, and I have the same problems with weight she did. I don’t want to keep putting off these lifestyle changes anymore, but I’m also scared that I’m not mentally prepared to do it all. Food has always been my source of comfort and giving up the things I love is not going to be easy for me to do at all. Not to mention the fact that I hate like, everything good for you. It makes it very hard for me to eat better when I barely like 4 or 5 foods. And when I say I don’t like them, I mean like once I tried to eat salad for 5 days in a row and literally gagged while consuming it. That’s how much I hate a lot of foods.

So right now, I’m focused on doing some research and trying to motivate myself to find a way to get to the gym every week, even if its just to walk for a while. If I can do that, I’ll move to the next phase and see where it takes me.

But since my last post, I’ve made a lot of progress in my 30 things in my 30^th year list and I’m pretty proud of that. Here’s a recap of what I’ve done so far:

1. Do something that scares me
   1. I posted these blog posts for everyone to read some pretty personal things about me.
   2. I told a boy that I liked him, flat out, even though it terrified me. He didn’t want to pursue a relationship, but that’s okay because honestly it felt great to just say how I felt for a change instead of wondering where things were going to go.
2. Make a concerted effort to be more financially responsible
3. Try a little harder at my appearance (i.e. style my hair, maybe wear makeup)
   1. I wore makeup to work on Friday and everyone was so shocked haha
4. Read ALL THE BOOKS (or at least 50)
   1. Currently halfway through my first book of the year and I’ve joined two book clubs!
5. Write more often – feelings, fiction, prose, doesn’t matter – just do it
   1. Counting these blogs as part of this because it’s felt great to write these.
6. Pay off a student loan
   1. Paid off my first one yesterday! It felt so great and now I just want to pay off even more!

 

I’m thinking that for my next post, I’m going to start a series on diving into relationships that have defined me in some way. I’ve been thinking a lot about my love life and future and the road blocks I face, and I think that exploring my past relationships with boyfriends, friends, family and others will help me work through those. I guess we’ll see how I feel and where that will go but, in the meantime, I just want to say thank you to all of you out there for taking the time to read these things and talk to me about the posts I’ve shared. It means a lot to me. I hope they help you as much as they’re helping me.