I can’t sleep.
That’s not really anything new, but I feel like I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack and I’m just sitting here counting the hours as they slip away knowing I’ll be tired for work tomorrow and know in my soul I need to take the day off to reset my brain and mental health but then I’ll panic because I’m afraid that admitting that will lead to me getting in trouble. I love my job, I seriously love working so much, but I’m not built for a 9-5. My life is chaotic, I am chaotic, and I’m unreliable. There’s always SOMETHING that comes up. I get sick. A family member needs help. Im exhausted and just need to sleep in. I have to have some test done. My braces need to be tightened. And then these moments – where my anxiety is so unbelievably out of control that I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight and I just start crying for no reason and spiral into these what if scenarios until I’m drowning in made up scenarios in my head all depicting me as a failure overwhelm me and I know, I KNOW I need to call in for my sanity – happen, and I feel so guilty about all the other bullshit I’ve missed work for so I don’t call in and the panic ensues.
I need to go to counseling. I know that. I feel that. But you know why I don’t?
One hour wouldn’t even make it through one wave in this tsunami of mental chaos I have in my head.
Seriously – one hour just isn’t enough and sometimes I think the best thing for me would be be able to set aside a full day or weekend to work one on one with a counselor so I could just fill them in on everything in my head, in my life, everything they need to know so that I can actually start working with someone on a weekly basis. Why doesn’t that exist? Most people struggle talking about their issues but for me the opposite is true – I want to talk about them. I NEED to talk about them – but there’s so many intersecting issues tangled up in my head it would be years before we even got anywhere near progress with me. I know that.
So here I am. Laying in bed slowly driving myself crazy because I don’t know what to do anymore. I always thought having a partner would help me to feel more loved, less lonely, more whole, more valued and more worthy but it hasn’t. Everyone always said it and I always criticized – go back and read the past blogs, I was an ass about it – but it’s true. Finding a partner didn’t fill the void or get rid of the disgust I have in myself, my body, my habits, who I am as a person.
I have a partner who is honest with me about everything, even his biggest faults, who tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful and yet I still sit here paranoid that he’s going to find someone better, someone more interesting, someone better looking, someone more worthy of love than me. Every moment I don’t receive attention, affection, or validation is a moment I start ruminating in my head about all the ways I’m failing as a girlfriend, as a role model for the kids, as a worker, as a friend and as a person. I tell myself that he finds me lazy, or boring, or frustrating or annoying or ugly or disgusting for no reason. I tell myself that I’m not good enough and he’s going to leave me some day for someone better.
And it’s not fair.
Not to him, or to anyone in my life. I spiral into this deep over-analytical hole in my own mind and extrapolate it to everything I do and all my relationships. 9/10 they start not because he said or did anything to warrant them, but because I interpret everything someone doesn’t do or say as a failure on my end in some capacity. Honestly sometimes Allan literally will say “I love you too,boo” and I will go down this tangent of “does he really? Why didn’t he say it first? Does it annoy him that I say it so much? I wonder if he would be happier with someone who didn’t need to talk as much. Is he happy? What if he isn’t and he just feels stuck with me? Is he just waiting for the best time to leave me but he’s trying not to be rude? Should I bring it up so he doesn’t have to? God I can’t bring it up I’d be devastated. Why am I so crazy? This is crazy right? He probably thinks I’m crazy. I’m sitting here crying and I don’t even know why. I wish he’d hold me so I knew he loved me.”
But the thing is – all of that was MY OWN DOING. And I do it with everything. Lately I’ve just been more aware of how my self-hatred plays out in my relationship because I’ve been trying to be more self aware and let him know when I’m doing it because I realize it’s unfair to just have these inner spirals and then get to the point where he’s like “what’s wrong?” And I just unleash a world of inner thoughts he had no context for whatsoever and expect him to know how to support me or want to listen.
And if you’ve gotten this far – let me just say – he has literally done nothing to prompt this blog. Like I literally sat here freaking out about work tomorrow because I couldn’t sleep and this is where my mind has taken me. I have no control over my thoughts anymore and I’m just constantly panicking over the worst case scenario over and over and over again.
I’ve always known I’m like this. I mean hell, most people I meet know I think this way cuz I talk about it so much, but I always thought the missing piece was being alone and that if I had someone it would help heal that part of my loneliness but the scariest thing is realizing how wrong that’s been. Even now, in a relationship, I feel so isolated and alone and I’m pushing people away and making up scenarios in my head for no reason. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just look at this man sleeping next to me and trust him when he says he loves me?
And I think the answer is simple, it’s because I hate myself so much I can’t even accept the love I’m given by someone else. I am so disgusted by who I am and the choices I make that it doesn’t matter that he says “babe, you look great, wear that dress” I still don’t want to take pictures with him because I know he’s going to look amazing and I will hate how I look in the photo and then wonder what everyone is thinking about him dating this fat, disgusting woman.
I know I’m generally a good person. I try to be honest, kind and make people laugh. I try to listen and do things for people when I can and I work hard at my job and always try to find ways to improve. I don’t struggle with substance abuse or really dangerous ways of numbing myself to the world like some but I still hate the core of who I am and the type of person I am so much.
I’m disgusted by the fact that I eat terribly, I never work out, I sleep all the time, I don’t try to improve my appearance, I’m not very active, I don’t think I do enough to organize the house or clean or take care of the pets, I don’t text my friends as often as I should, I’m never one to plan events or follow through with plans, I forget important holidays/birthdays, I don’t call enough, I still haven’t gone to help my step dad with his computer, I don’t do enough for my parents or my brother, I don’t see my nieces and nephews as much as I should, I’m constantly taking half days at work or have some sort of medical/personal/family reason why i have to miss time and that’s super annoying to manage, I spend money I don’t have and despite having a good job i never have money because of all of my debt, I can’t do simple things that shouldn’t be hard to do like wake up, get ready, have a routine, take a walk, put the dishes away, — lthe list goes on and on and on and on.
And I have so many people in my life who try to be supportive and offer suggestions or advice or help and I have an excuse for everything but the truth is I don’t want to do anything. I’m so overwhelmed with everything, all the thoughts, all the ways things go wrong, all my responsibilities, all the reasons I have to just keep going that I can’t even find the will to start. I don’t know where to start and I try to start and it never ever works out.
I’ve tried meditation. I’ve tried books. I’ve tried taking a class. I’ve tried medication. I’ve tried working out solo and in groups and with one person or friends across the country and nothing ever sticks. I’ve tried journaling, planning, calendars, budget trackers, self help groups, counseling, positive affirmations, deleting apps off my phone, distracting myself, writing, hobbies, supplements, literally EVERYTHING.
And I always, always fail.
I’ve yet to find anything I can stick to. Anything I can devote time and energy to at full capacity and keep doing for myself.
And I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of feeling like this and of making myself feel worse by placing all these assumptions about people’s actions and what they mean in my head without them doing anything to deserve it. Im tired of wasting time I have doing nothing when I could be doing anything. Im tired of not being able to be happy even when I’m surrounded by people who love me because I hate being around myself.
What’s even more crazy? I hate myself so much and then I also wonder why people don’t want to do nice things for me. Like I sit here, hating myself and my own personality/character/actions but then make myself feel worse by reminding myself that people don’t throw me parties for my birthday or accomplishments, or buy cute things that reminded them of me, or send me messages telling me they’re proud of me or thinking of me or miss me or love me or anything silly like that and like HOW FUCKED IS THAT? Like honestly – I will sit here and replay all of those things in my head and think about how no one came to my graduation for grad school or how I’ve never had a birthday party I didn’t throw just to justify to myself how much I don’t deserve anything.
But the real messed up part of all of this is why the hell do I feel entitled to all of that in the first place? I’m not a good friend, I’m not one to ask people to hang out in advance or check in when people are busy, I don’t throw parties for people or even keep plans half the time so why would I feel like those things not happening to me prove that I’m not deserving or horrible?
I don’t even know where this is going anymore. Its been an hour since I’ve started this and I’m less panicked than before but I’m still just as weary. I wish I could call off work tomorrow. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I could do more for my family and reach out more often. I wish I could be a better girlfriend who didn’t need so much constant validation and emotional support just to function. I wish I could be a better employee without things that pull me away from work. I wish I was a better role model for the kids in my life. I wish I was more attentive to the people in my life. I wish I could wake up and work out any eat better and make meals and clean the house.
I wish I didn’t need to write these blogs just to calm myself down. I wish I didn’t need to share them to explain to everyone around me why I’m spiraling out of control all the time.
And I wish that anyone who’s ever felt like I do could realize that it’s okay to not be okay. Everything in my brain tells me that’s not true but I know in my heart that it’s valid and just because people don’t understand or accept mental illness doesn’t mean it isn’t fucking hard work and that it’s okay to not want to have to do that work sometimes.
I love so many people in this world. I just wish I could love myself that same way.